Grasping While Fasting

Isaiah 66:2 “…But this is the one to whom I will look: he who is humble and contrite in spirit and trembles at my word.”

Isaiah 58:3 “Behold, in the day of your fast you seek your own pleasure…”

Isaiah 58:13-14 “…not going your own ways, or seeking your own pleasure, or talking idly; then you shall take delight in the LORD, and I will make you ride on the heights of the earth…”

I was fasting today and the strangest thing happened.  I didn’t get that hungry.  By mid-afternoon I couldn’t help but be a little confused and a little nervous.  I asked myself, “Am I getting sick or something?”  Could that be the reason that I am not getting hungry.  I don’t fully know the reason why I didn’t get that hungry but I am glad that it got me questioning myself because I realized something important.  I have been grasping for things today during this fast, instead of grasping for God.  I feel very humbled right now, slightly ashamed, and very repentant.  I felt spiritually shaky this afternoon, usually during a fast I would feel a little physically shaky but instead I just felt weird, emotionally and spiritually not right.  I reached down to grab my Bible to hopefully find something encouraging there and as I did a scripture that I had just heard from Francis Chan’s message online came to mind, “But this is the one to whom I will look; he who is humble and contrite in spirit…” God put his finger on my pride.  I realized that all day long I have wanted to “be more, do more, and be right just for the sake of being right”.  I can’t help but think that I haven’t been hungry today because I have been full of my selfish thoughts and prideful dreams. 

A scripture that I was reading recently came to mind from Isaiah 58, “in the day of your fast you seek your own pleasure.”  I have not been seeking joy in God today, or satisfaction in him; I have not been grasping for him or feasting on him today during this fast… I have been seeking my own pleasure apart from him.  (I am grateful Lord that you pointed this out to me.)  These thoughts have not necessarily manifested themselves outwardly in any way today, but as I paused this afternoon God revealed to me this little selfish voice in my heart.  I hate that voice; that voice keeps me from God, from true joy and contentment, pleasure and satisfaction.  That voice is one that I want to kill, “search me, O God, and know my heart!  Try me and know my thoughts!  And see if there be any grievous way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.”  God, please teach me how to find all of my joy in you.  Teach me to be humble and contrite, teach me to be broken.  As Isaiah goes on in verses 13 and 14 I am encouraged.  If I stop seeking my own pleasure then I will truly take delight in the Lord.  Lord, please forgive me for seeking my satisfaction in things that are not you.  I trust that you are enough for me, I really do.  Forgive me for not acting like it today; forgive me for not living in that today.  I want to see more of your glory; I pray that I would see it in everything.  Thank you that your grace is sufficient for me, and Lord keep me from temptation, may I not slip into this kind of thinking again, Oh how it lurks at my hearts door.  I will trust in you, I will hope in you, I will feast on you in the day of fasting, you are more than sufficient, you are endless joy, eternal pleasure, everlasting happiness, may I see you everywhere I look.  You are the giver of every perfect gift including both food and grace.